12 Step Fuckery

Hi. My name is Brigitte and I'm a former member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

In a nutshell, about 15 years ago I was a single mother on welfare who had suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life and who had no feeling of hope for my future. I was in the midst of a severe depression and was considering suicide. I drank far too much because it numbed me to the point where I could ignore the feelings of despair and hopelessness I felt on a regular basis. In short, I had a lot of problems, and drinking was one of them.

One day I decided that I would either have to do something about my problems, or kill myself. Having a five year old daughter gave me a reason to decide to choose the former option. I knew that I was addicted to alcohol and that I didn't stand a chance of solving any of my problems unless I stopped drinking. Not knowing how to go about this and knowing that I would need some sort of outside help, I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. Because that is the only option I knew about. It's where the courts send you when they recognize you have a drinking problem, it's where employers send employees who have drinking problems. It's the place everyone knows about when dealing with alcohol dependence.

To be fair, since joining AA I made profound changes in my life. I went back to school and got a job. I became capable of dealing of life as life happened to me. I made friends and met a lovely man whom I'm still with today. I became a better mother, daughter, sister and all-around better human being. I don't think I could have done any of this without first addressing my alcohol addiction, and I dealt with it through AA.

But...and it's a big but. I was at no time allowed to take credit for the transformation of my life. That particular privilege belonged to God. It had nothing to do with me. Because according to the philosophy of AA, we as alcoholics are completely powerless over our own lives. We are told that we are sick individuals suffering from an incurable disease that can only be managed by following the 12 steps as outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. We are told that we are powerless over not just alcohol, but over our very lives. That we have no control over what we do or think or feel, and that we must turn over control to a Higher Power. And that Higher Power is God, "may you find Him now."

The longer I stayed sober in AA, the more I started to think about it, and more importantly, the more I started to question it. I would come across ideas as put forth in the Big Book and think to myself, "Hmm, that doesn't really seem right." At first, I would tell myself that it must just be wrong thinking on my part, because AA must be right. Millions of sober alcoholics can't be wrong after all. Meanwhile, I was participating in a ritual known as "fake it till you make it". Which means that if you don't have a concept of God, you should get down on your knees and pray until you actually do.

Now, there are atheists and agnostics in AA. I have personally met a few of them at an international AA convention I attended five years ago in Toronto. Here in Montreal I know of one atheist AA member besides me. He happens to be my boyfriend. Thank gawd for small favours. In any case, my main problem with the whole AA philosophy is the whole idea that in AA, I am not allowed to take credit for my sobriety and success in life. I am not in charge of my life. I am powerless. Over everything. Everything in my life is to be attributed to a “Higher Power” of my own choosing. I had nothing to do with any of it. When I started to question this philosophy during my time in AA, I was often treated in a patronizing matter. One of the last meetings I attended I was invited as the guest speaker to share my experience, strength and hope with this particular group. It was at that particular meeting that I “came out” to AA as an atheist and it did not go over well. A member of the group that was asked to “thank” me for my share stated that I was miserable in my life because I did not have a higher power in my life. And she said a bunch of other dumbass bullshit that was completely unrelated to anything I said. That was pretty much the end of my relationship with AA.

I’m bringing this up because addiction in all its forms is a big problem for society in general. The main solution seems to be 12 step programs. These programs tell people that they are not good enough as human beings to help themselves and each other to solve their problems. That they are sick, insane people that will never be cured and that the only way out is a reliance on the 12 step program and god. The success rate of AA, according to AA’s own statistics, is roughly 5%. The success rate for people that get sober without AA? Roughly 5%. And yet, a large proportion of treatment facilities for drug and alcohol addictions rely on 12 step programs.

You have no idea how fucking angry this makes me.

I've included here a link to the Penn & Teller Bullshit episode on AA. I don't entirely agree with absolutely everything they say. I don't believe that AA is a cult. My personal opinion is that AA is a religious program with cult-like tendencies. But I do believe that it is bullshit.